Everybody Loves a Good Laugh

A horse walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Why the long face?"

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They
would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

THE TWO MAJOR FOOD GROUPS:

A) Anything you can put cheese on.
B) Everything else you can put chocolate on.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Clause.
2) You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3) You are Santa Clause.
4) You look like Santa Clause.